November 27th, 2015: Hey everyone. It's been a few months since my last journal entry, so I thought I'd update. I apologize in advance for the long read. As a heads up I'm not looking for sympathy or anything here; this is just me updating about life happenings and rambling a bit because I wanted to get some things off my chest that have been bottled up for awhile. I don't normally like to make journals like this because I hate negativity and depressing things but, here it goes.
Things in life have taken a bit of a downward spiral. My dad's been having issues with his mobility because of some kind of ailment, possibly a strong case of gout or arthritis but nothing he's tried recommended by doctors he's been to since being discharged from a week-long hospital stay back in October has worked for him. He's been using a walker to get around, and because we live on the top floor, he has difficulty getting up and down the flights of stairs. Couple that up with his diabetes, and it's just difficult. Me and my two siblings have been trying our best to help him out and help around the house or things we'd normally do outside the house like grocery shopping and laundry. He's still trying to recover, but we have no idea what's going to get him better again so he can walk normally and not be in such pain.
As for myself, things have been pretty tough too. This past week and ongoing I've been rather consistently winded and short of breath, even doing something simple like sitting or walking. Have been hobbling along a bit with a bit of a hop in my step, having to pause in between every few steps, and I tend to take in a lot of deep breaths. Dunno what's causing it, as it could be any number of things. I do know I'm underweight for my height and have been losing more weight over the past few months from taking long walks be it outside or on our treadmill to try to alleviate some of the pain from my chronic pain condition. Otherwise, aside from moving around here and there to do things around the house, I'm either sitting or laying down a lot of the time because of the pain. Also have been watching what I eat to be healthier but also because I've been conserving food and eating less since our financial situation thanks to losing a crucial source of longtime income in August has been straining our ability to go food shopping or do laundry as often as we used to. Dealing with stress and daily anxiety has been making the winded feeling feel even worse, because I'm stuck in this skin of mine and I have no clue how to get it to stop. The anxiety, is one of the worst things one could have that just makes things even harder to deal with, quite often enough I'm aware of my own breathing pretty often. Tend to get small panic attacks and it's tough to try and calm down. I do know I need to gain some healhy weight again somehow while still maintaining some sense of exercise. Might be going to the ER tomorrow to have some tests done, although there's the chance they might want to admit me though I'm hoping not. If I do, I'll try to make the best of it. Gotta doctor appointment next Saturday to meet my new primary care doctor so I'm hoping he'll be nice and can help me out somehow. What I have is a mystery; it could be me being dehydrated, it could be my childhood asthma coming back, it could be anemia...don't really know. Felt so weak yesterday I couldn't even go with my family to see my mom's family for Thanksgiving, so I ended up staying home. I don't even know what Christmas will be like honestly; I don't want any presents other than for my dad and I to feel better by then...or hopefully before. I'm just hoping and praying this isn't permanent for either of us. I can't picture living with this feeling for the rest of my life. The chronic pain is already enough as it is, though I'd take that over having this winded feeling on top of it or even by itself. And as I said, the anxiety makes things much harder to deal with. Even just talking about the anxiety makes me feel anxious. I don't know, I just know this year has been one of the worst ones my family and I have ever had to deal with. It's enough to make somebody break down sometimes, I'll admit. We've applied for aid here and there but have been turned down multiple times for stupid reasons. Don't really have any money left myself except for $19 I've had since September and been saving to buy my hamster the food she needs. And I was only able to get that money from trading in a few games at Gamestop for cash I knew I was no longer going to play.
All I can say is...I just want some relief and things to get better for my family and I. The only times I feel somewhat relieved are short random instances during the day and whenever I happen to get some sleep. It's been tough for our family ever since we lost my mom two years ago but this year and especially lately has been the toughest since then.
Anyway...I again apologize for the long rambling read. Just thought I'd share what's been going on lately, to explain why I've been lurking most of the year on Skype or on the art scene. I have been doing art throughout the year but haven't felt like uploading anything finished until I get the remaining things finished...which as of now are two things.
Y-Man, if you're reading this right now, I apologize in advance for being super late with your birthday art I mentioned I was working on; I hope you don't mind waiting awhile more for it but whenever it gets finished it'll be the first thing I upload.
I'm really hoping to push this journal out of the way sometime soon, hopefully with some better news or at least something to push this out of the way. It's been tough to do simple things throughout the day, be it walking around or even sitting. Things I've wanted to do this year be they constructive or leisurely have been slowed down considerably because of my pain condition and anxiety and lack of income. Still been helping out my dad with his ailment through all of this, but I'm just hoping some good news can come our way for a change.
Thank you for taking the time out to read this if you have. I'll try my best to keep hanging in there the best I can, but man it's not getting any easier. Just trying to take each day at a time, each moment at a time. Hoping to get some answers soon enough, and some solid answers to our prayers. That would be the best gift of all. I hope everyone is doing well with their own lives, and I'm sending well wishes everyone's way. Peace, and God Bless.
And thanks for all the page views and favorites and comments! Without you guys, I definitely wouldn't be here right now.
I really appreciate all your support!